I Put A Spell On You

Sunday night, at work, we had Atomic Wings. G_____(you know her better as the “Mystery Woman”) had twenty. This sounds impressive, but she actually only took about one bite out of each one. The psychological effect of the spicy, greasy, bleu-cheesy food may have been what prompted her to ask “Why haven’t you written about that Ann Coulter in your blog-thing?”

So, against my better judgment, we’ve got a few words about the lovely spokeswoman for the far right, Ann Coulter. This will, of course, require some harsh language, so send the kids to bed early.



You say Ann Coulter went on TV and said something mean. Oh, gosh. Next you’ll be telling me that Hillary Clinton went on TV and said something politically self-serving. But of course. Ann Coulter is the Gay Wedding or Flag Burning of the left wing. She’s something that hack politicians can get outraged over, that gets the “base” worked up, but that has really no effect on most people’s everyday lives, and you really can’t do anything about.

At this point I have to digress about a couple of items in the previous paragraph. First, the hate-filled legislation against gay marriage does affect gay people, and I was actually hesitant about using it as an example. But it fits the profile because, really, contrary to what Bill Bennett says, two men kissing has absolutely no impact on the lives of anyone who isn’t on the guest list. And yes, they can’t do anything about it. Ten years from now we’ll look back and people will be ashamed of themselves. They’re here, they’re gay, let them get married already.

And when we talk about a political “base,” what I think we mean is those people who are whole-heartedly devoted to their “side,” the “hard-core,” be it conservative or liberal. I also like to think of them as idiots. Think for yourselves people; decide on your own what’s important to you and don’t just check all the names in one column of the ballot. Read a newspaper once in a while.

OK then. Back to Ann. (Who, by the way, does appeal very much to the conservative “base.”) I’m not going to argue, or refute anything that she’s said. Partly because every single other person to the left of noted douchebag Rick Santorum has already done so. But mostly because Ann is like an oozing pit of black tar (only, I guess, pasty white instead of pitch black). You can’t win an argument with her. Because not only is she whip-smart, but once you get down in it, you get all covered with sticky tar. You’re stuck. It’s a level of discourse that hovers above rationality.

It’s been a week of shock and dismay, over, I guess she is not keen on some of the 9/11 widows. Oh, Ann Coulter you sly minx. It’s all been said. But who in the news last week disgusted me the most, staring angrily from the cover of the New York Daily News? You make me sad Hillary Clinton. Because Ann Coulter, she is what she is. She’s the scorpion on the back of the frog. She says oh, terrible, terrible things that shock people, but that’s her role. But the proper response is to just let Kathy Griffin ask why she’s wearing a cocktail dress at 8 in the morning on the “Today” show. Hillary, as a senator and presidential contender, you should be talking about Foreign Policy, or the economy, the deficit, or something of substance. Not refereeing a cat-fight.

I’m not going to argue with Ann Coulter. Every time someone goes on TV and tells us how evil she is, she sells another 10,000 books. So I say this to her, “That’s very nice.” and just keep walking. Because really, deep down inside, I really just want to be the man who makes her say “I can’t believe I’m fucking a Jew!”

(column ends abrubtly)