Simon Conjurer Returns

Well, most likely not. Here's the story:

I work late on Friday nights, (near Times Square, New York City!), and sometimes I like to see a movie after work. I was looking at the schedule for the AMC 24-plex and there was a movie I had never heard of before. I read the Internet every day, I read Entertainment Weekly, well, weekly, so it's rare that a movie shows up in the Plex that I've never heard of. Usually, the ones I've never heard of show up way downtown, and even those, again, well, I've usually heard of them.

Here's how you know they're not doing a great job publicizing a movie: When I Googled "The Legend of Simon Conjurer," a large number of the results were asking "Is this movie a hoax?"

OK then, take a minute, click on the link above, and watch the trailer. Except Steve, who I know doesn't have a high speed internet connection, you stupid bastard. Anyway, those of you who live in the 21st century have by now seen the trailer. And yes, that's the movie. As noted earlier, I don't really review movies here, but I'm making an exception since there seems to be a dearth. If you thought Jon Voight was too understated in "Anaconda" (and if you haven't seen "Anaconda", well, go, rent it, we'll wait), well, he certainly lets loose just a tiny bit here. He's the closest thing you'll see these days to a villain from the old "Batman" TV show. They even shoot him at a 45 degree angle. Anyway, that's a compliment. Really.

If you like straightforward linear narrative, then no, for God's sake stay away. This movie is, let's say, "atypical." It's certainly very earnest. It puts you in the mind of a Troma movie, but with less nudity and gore, and a slightly higher budget. I don't want to sell the movie short though, there is an excellent gratuitous shower scene.

There's a key scene with the body of a young girl, who looks too much like a young boy, which is confusing when they refer to her later. And no one seems quite sure how to pronounce "Conjurer," even writer/director/star Stuart Paul, who, in what I'm assuming is an odd promotional device, goes uncredited.

But wait! There's more!
So, despite, or maybe because of the "Let's put on a show!"/vanity-projectness of it, I'm actually enjoying, mostly, "The Legend of Simon Conjurer." And one of the other 3 people sitting in the theater seemed to be as well, laughing out loud, often, as I was. We're standing up to leave, and as the credits rolled he says "There I am!" He was, apparently, part of the supporting cast of the movie. He asked the two of us that were not his busty companion what we thought of the movie, and we ended up chatting a little as we wound our way down the dozen or so escalators to the street. His name is Marcus Shirock and he plays "Ammath" in the movie, a chain smoker who is afraid of dying. We talked about the movie, he apparently didn't completely understand it either. He also told me he had been up for the role of "Superman." I told him he should be glad he didn't get it considering what happened to George Reeves and Christopher Reeve (Both died untimely deaths, for those of you that probably didn't see Anaconda either).

So that's the story of "The Legend of Simon Conjurer." If you want to see a movie that is not necessarily coherent, but is not a sequel or remake or like anything else you're likely to see, at least download the trailer. Even if you have a lame-ass dial-up connection.