"It's Kill Or Be Kicked!"

"A 6-year-old special education student who kicked a Naples teacher's aide and spent several hours in juvenile jail is facing felony battery charges."

I mean, really, it's not like she kicked a full-on teacher, it was just a teacher's aide!

But what were they thinking. They called the police on a 6-year-old! Who was in special ed! Now, I'm not saying that we shouldn't have discipline. Toss the kid from school if you need to, make the parents take time off of work to take care of it. But it's not a police matter. Last week, I spent some time thinking about the 8-year-old who accidentally killed another kid by playing around in a school bus, and I wasn't sure if someone that age could be held responsible. And in that case, someone was dead. In this case, it doesn't sound like there was more than maybe a bruise. (How much damage could a 6-year-old girl do?) And they called the police and sent her to jail.

The linked article (via Drudge, of course) doesn't have much information. Maybe there's more to the story. Maybe she had those Rosa Kleb dagger shoes and was working for the KGB. If I was the policeman called to the scene I would have arrested the school administrator instead for filing an idiotic report.

Zero Tolerance is a terrible idea created by people who don't want to take the responsibility for making decisions. Isn't tolerance supposed to be a good thing?

Ahhh....Who am I kidding...I just wanted to use the headline "It's Kill Or Be Kicked!"

Random Philosophy

If the only tool you have is a tiny hex wrench, everything looks like a crappy piece of Ikea Furniture.

Actually I love Ikea. I love to stop at the one in New Haven, CT, on my way to Framingham. I like to enjoy a plate of Swedish Meatballs.

I only wish more of their items came two-toned.

When in Vermont...

Today I painted the side of a chicken coop. Also pictured: G_____(L) and M_____(R).

Another reason why he's "The Man"

"William Shatner believes he can contribute to Middle East peace by helping disabled children through horseback riding."

According to my rules of blogging, I should write a couple of relevant sentences here, explaining how this makes me feel. But really, what more needs to be said...

Nostalgia for 5 months ago

Sometimes things fly around the internet so fast we forget to slow down and appreciate them. And then, 5 months later, we've completely forgotten them. So here's the first in a series of things that were all over the internet for about 10 minutes. We proudly present: The Cyclops Kitty!
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Somewhere in New England

Irritated ten-year olds.

More Crazy Vermont Adventures!

My friend G the shepherd (note: G is a woman; other G is a man. of sorts.) Anyway, woman G. just said "I pitchforked my toe today." I tried for a moment to figure out what her colorful Vermont idiom meant, and then realized that she had actually stabbed herself in the toe with a pitchfork.

Where am I now?

I'm now in REDACTED, Vermont. I'm visiting my friends G_____, G_____ and their son or daughter M________. (I'm obscuring personal information for their safety. I have many enemies.) One of G's hobbies: Shepherd:




One of the sheep has wandered into the woods:



More sheep:



In 2002 I painted the side of the barn:

Mmmmmm...Birthday cake!

Happy Birthday!

That's Unconstitutional!

Here's something from the constitution:
Congress cannot pass a law that is a "Bill of Attainder."
That means, in my limited understanding, that congress cannot pass a law that applies to only one person. For instance, they cannot pass a law that says that Dirk Kinkaid is not allowed to juggle anymore.

Also no "Ex post Facto" laws. That means that laws can't be retroactive. If you think of a new crime, you can't be arrested for it unless you do it again after they pass a law against it.

And that's "That's Unconstitutional!"

Medieval Woman / Medieval Parkinglot

So I was meeting Dr. S_____ at the movies, for "X3: I'm the Juggernaut, Bitch" and, because we're American, we arrived in separate cars. It's Friday night, so the lot on Flutie Pass is very crowded. (The name of the street is unimportant, but I'm not sure whether it's greatest street name ever or the stupidest.) Due to my Brooklyn honed parking skills, I score a space near the front on the first lap. S______ ends up in the auxilliary lot, which is on the other side of Flutie Pass, far, far away.

The best part is, as we leave, I go to my car, get in, start driving out, and as I'm exiting onto F.P., there's S_____, still on foot, waiting to cross the street to the AuxParkLot. So I honk to get his attention, give a friendly wave and laugh and laugh all the way home.

Which takes me over an hour because I had to get milk and nothing's open in Framingham past 11.

Because You Demanded It!

Big and Tall, That's All...

Oh, yeah, and don't let the kids listen.

Here are the girls

or are they? Anonymized for your protection.

The other reason I'm in Massachusetts:

Going to see X3Men with some comic book nerds.They're hated and feared by the world they have sworn to protect. Just like the X-Men.

Where am I?

I have twin nieces. They're turning one Saturday. So I'm in Framingham, MA. I came up early to emergency baby-sit, one of the girls was under the weather and couldn't go to day-care. Today I finished staining the deck, started painting the porch swing, changed a light bulb, bought some supplies, installed some new swings and put together a baby stairway gate. Piece of crap. You had to buy a separate "adapter" for an iron railing, which turned out to be a piece of wood and some screws. For $13. And you need 2 for each gate. And installation entails using a drill. Which I can, but I feel for the poor baby-having parents who try to put this together. And when I visit my sister, I get to get up at 6 in the morning, (my usual is 10 or later), so I've got that going for me.

Now we can all be happy again!

Here's a website you may have seen in it's heyday, or you may have missed it...

Please click here!

There. Don't you feel better now?

But Seriously...

Read the funny one-liner post below this first.

OK then. Really. Why haven't we caught this guy? We can debate the finer points of constitutional law all day, but we still all head up to bed with Osama bin Laden still out there. The president keeps talking about how we're at war, and 9/11 this and 9/11 changed everything and why haven't we caught this guy. Why is our military doing anything other than blowing up places he might be? GWB stood on a pile of rubble and said the people responsible were going to hear from us. Maybe someone is sending them tapes of "Lost" episodes but capturing this asshole doesn't seem to be a priority.

We were attacked. The guy responsible got away. Someone is not doing his job. And remember, excuses are like neck braces. Everybody has one.

What's George W. Bush Saying Now?

"Crap! We forgot to capture Osama Bin Laden!"

I can't live by your rules, man!

I've been thinking some more about what makes a good blog.

1. As noted earlier, a good blog is like a good colon, regular is better. Every day is optimal, but at least once a week.

2. No movie reviews. Unless you're one of only 4 people who have seen the movie, or you've got some special insight. I'm an albino and I hated the DaVinci code. Or, if you are Roger Ebert. It's my happening and it freaks me out.

3. Don't write the same thing that every body else is writing. We've seen a picture of the Apple Store. We've most probably taken a picture of the Apple store. And no pictures of flowers.

3. Don't just do stupid lists every day. Actually, that one is just mocking my friend Steve (I Am Not Any Oprah)

4. No bills of attainder. That is, don't do jokes that only a few people will get. Unless, of course, you need to scold them for being fuckin' pussies.

5. Knock off the swearing.

6. Don't write stuff at 4:30 in the morning. It will incoherent.

7. Don't go too nuts with the YouTube.

8. Don't be all Hitler with so many rules.

9. And remember, once you compare someone to Hitler, you lose the argument.

10. Never fight a land war in Asia.

11. When you link to something on another web site, have at least a pithy headline and a decent sentence or two to say about it. And don't link from any one site more than once a week. (And even at once a week, what are you, getting married?) The exception is news, and for a news link you've got to write at least two paragraphs.

12. Clink it before you drink it.

"Clink it before you drink it!"

We're trying out a new slogan...

They Love That Billy Madison

During dinner tonight, "Billy Madison" was on the TV. We only watched a few minutes of it, and not the part quoted below. But the girls in these two videos seem to enjoy that part.

Apple Store Still Crowded

At 4:30 today I went by the Apple Store again; there was still a line, so instead I went into F.A.O. Schwartz and took a picture of Lego Chewbacca.

The sad fact of the day:

I try to watch the language here on Clinky the Boy Robot, but sometimes, somewhat coarse language is appropriate. So you might want to have the kids leave the room for a second.

Anyway, today I'm up at a friend's house on the Hudson River. Some other friends were supposed to come as well, but unfortunately couldn't make it.

"Why not?" you may ask "Sickness? Death in the family? Dire work-related emergency?"

Well, apparently there was too much traffic. Yes, I know, who could have predicted traffic in Manhattan?

It's not like it's anyone's birthday or anything.

Oh, wait, actually it is.

So, here's where we are regrettfully forced to use some strong language.

Last chance to cover your kid's eyes.

The sad fact of the day is...

A___ and A____ are fuckin' pussies.

War. Hooah. What is it good for?

So my friend the President keeps saying we're at war. But what does that mean? Traditionally, a "War" meant beween two countries. And when we went in and slapped the Taliban out of Afghanistan, I was all about that. And Iraq, that was a war for the 45 seconds it took to kick their ass. But we're not at war with "Iraq" anymore; their democratically elected government is presumably our ally; we're there to train and help them fight the insurgency within that country.

So we're left with the abstract "War on Terror." Now, no one denies that there are terrorists out there, groups of terrorists, and countries that support terrorists. And if there's evidence that a country is supporting terrorists, (actual evidence, not fairytale evidence), we should certainly go to war.

But a war with not a country but an abstract concept, how do you win? At what point can we declare "We've won the War on Terror?" As long as we're the strongest, richest, bestest country in the world, there will always be people who "hate our freedom." We will always be an excuse for any country's leader who can't get things right. I can't imagine there will ever be a point where a U.S. leader, even a wimpy Democrat, would be stupid enough to say "We've won! Terrorists aren't a problem anymore! We can just relax and let our guard down! Take your nail clippers on the plane! Go crazy!"

In the movie "The Incredbles" Dash says "If everybody is special, then no one is." If we're at war with terror now, than we always have been and always will. If the threat of terrorism makes you a "War President", then Clinton was a War President, Bush #1 was a War President, Reagan was a War President, even Carter was a War President (remember the Iranian hostages? I'm not saying Carter did a great job with that situation, but he also didn't use it as an excuse to spy on our phone calls.) Reagan was president during the Cold War, and he never used it as an excuse to do whatever he wanted to do.

And while we're on the subject of GWB's abuses of power (subtext, baby) it's not the Democrats that should be mad. Because when GWB ignores Congress, he's ignoring a Republican Congress, and when he ignores the Judicial branch ("Warrants? We don't need no stinky warrants!") he's ignoring judges appointed mainly by Republicans.

And why is it a bad idea to let the president spy on our phone calls? I'll agree that the president is only doing it for totally noble reasons, and therefore doesn't feel the need to have judicial or congressional oversight. But what if some nanny-stater Democrat gets elected president, who wants to raise our taxes and help the gays and tell us how we should live our lives? And the precendent is set for warrantless domestic spying? If someone who is secretly communist and wants to be a dictator gets elected, the domestic spy systems that are in place make it that much easier to destroy conservative freedom fighters.

As always, Give me liberty or give me death.

There's no breakfast in heaven after 11.

So, last night, after visiting the outside of the new Apple store (Didn't go in. I'm too old to wait in line for two hours. To go into a store.) Ok, that was just a clause, not a full sentence, but it was starting to run on what with the parentheticals and all.

Anyway, I made my way down town to the 23rd st. branch of the New York Sports Club, which is open 24 hours. I love when places are open 24 hours. (like the Apple store. I'm just not waiting in line to go in. I'll wait till 3 a.m. Monday.)

And next to the NYSC, is a 7-11!

Now, if you don't live in NYC, a 7-11 is no big deal. But they are kind of rare in Manhattan. There are plenty of little delis and bodegas, but an actual 7-11 has it's own special vibe, that you miss if you grew up in the midwest as I did. And Slurpees. As pictured below. X-men Slurpees, and they've got Dr. Pepper Cherry Vanilla flavor.

Dead Naked Guy

Before Richard Hatch, the "Fat Naked Guy" from the TV show "Survivor" (who is now going to prison for tax evasion), and the Times Square Naked Cowboy, there was the Naked Guy at the University of California at Berkeley. He has died in jail. I didn't even know he was sick, or in jail.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow there will be two posts, one is "My trip to the 7-11" and the other is "What does it mean to be at War?" So you've got that to look forward to.

How do you read a blog?

Do you scroll down to the last post you haven't read and move up, or do you just start at the top and read down, in reverse chronological order of posting, till you get to something you've already read?

I usually try to read posts in the order they're written, but I think this is a small flaw in the blog system...

The Guy in the Picture.

There's a guy in the picture in the previous post. I don't know who he is.

New Apple Store

The new Apple computer store opened in Manhattan today. There was a very long line. To get into a store. You can read about it, well, probably everywhere, so this post is kind of pointless. But I took a picture.

Pops, they're just like us!

One of the other blogs I read (News from ME) noted that "Sugar Pops" became "Corn Pops" and are now just "Pops"

Lazy Ramadi

A couple of months ago, there was that viral video from Saturday Night Live.

And, of course, there's never just one viral video...




via Huffington Post

At least it will keep these guys out...

Stupid Fence!

Today, the Senate voted to build a giant fence. (Senate endorses citizenship plan, calls for border fence)

You stupid, stupid morons.

First of all, it's going to cost an ass-load of money. My sister and brother-in-law just had a 60-foot wooden fence installed at their house. I think it cost a couple of thousand dollars. So, multiply it by "needs to be made of cement or metal" and 5 times as high, plus, as specified in the bill "triple-layered." Times however many feet in a mile times a few hundred miles, and of course, it's the government so it will cost 10 or 12 times as much, more, since they really can't use any illegal immigrants as workers. Does Haliburton build fences? Oh, I'm quite sure they do now.

But it would be worth it to secure our borders. Only, it won't go the entire length of the border. If the edge of your yard is 80 yards long, you don't put up a 40 yard fence to keep your dog in.

And sure, here in the U.S. we have all sorts of technological marvels, but I think even in the small towns of Mexico they have access to "Ladder" technology. And I think that "Rope" was actually invented in Mexico (el ropa).

And best of all it used to be that to sneak across the border, you needed to cross miles and miles of dangerous terrain, both on the Mexican and U.S. side of the border. But in order to build the fence, they'll need to build modern roads to every point in the border. Because they're not going to carry all the steel and cement out there on horseback. They'll need trucks. And places for the workers to eat and sleep. So once you get to the border, any point in the border where there's a fence, and over the fence, it will be easy going to get to anywhere else in the U.S.

But at least they're giving the appearance of doing something...

Morons.

Bear Eats Monkey

Meanwhile...

GWB=Still a dumbass.

You can't possibly not love this one...

Who doesn't love YouTube?

The Connection Between "Turtle" and "Mock"

The word "Mock' has a few uses, things it can describe, for instance, a "Mock Trial." I guess. But it's two most common uses also involve the word "Turtle" as part of the phrase.

"Mock Turtle Soup"

"Mock Turtleneck"

Which makes me think of that Cole Porter song "At Long Last Love" ("Is it the good turtle soup, or merely the mock?")

And that lyric is not a good example, because it doesn't really bother me, I actually enjoy it, but usually, when people refer to something by the adjective it drives me nuts. For instance, if Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes were playing down the shore, if you said "Hey, let's get tickets for Southside!" I'd say, "Oh, you mean Johnny?" Crap. I wish I could think of a better example.

ah well

"Is it Grenada I see, or only Asbury Park?"

And yet...

George W. Bush is an idiot.

"Guest worker?" Which means that you can come here and clean toilets but since you'd probably vote Democrat you can't be a citizen...

I apologize to George W. Bush

In my last post, I compared GWB to Hitler.

And there's a rule, that once you start comparing someone to Hitler, you automatically lose the argument.

(It's kind of the same concept that makes the "Why do you hate America?" argument so stupid.)

So, sincerely, GWB is not nearly as bad as Hitler. Or Stalin. I apologize.

Do I hate America?

Of course not. I love America.

"Why do you hate America?" is the rhetorical device used by those who can't defend a president's idiotic policies. When you ask that, it's an admission that the president is doing a terrible job.

I love America because we invented the idea that a country belongs to the people, not whoever happens to be its leader.

If you want to rule without question you are a tyrant, a dictator, an asshole.

You are Saddam, Stalin, Hitler, or G.W. Bush.

And that's whether you're doing a good job or not.

And Bush is not.

Almost nine months ago, Bush LOST an entire city.

But at least he's hard at work making sure it's cleaned up.

Let's see how that's going. (via Titivil)

Where did I put my Inca Pot?

I just saw a new TV ad for the Pontiac car company. To direct you to their web site, they advise you to "Google Pontiac." Now, Google is a marvel of the modern world, and hugely useful if you don't know the address of a website. But I assume that the people at the Pontiac car company know the address of the Pontiac web site. It's "pontiac.com!" Why don't they just say "Go to Pontiac.com?"

If it was even something other than "pontiac.com,' if it was "cars.pontiaccarcompany.org/index.html," then sure "Google Pontiac." Sometimes, if I need to direct someone to a site that doesn't have a simple address, I'll tell them to Google it. Need to find an anagram? Google "anagram" to find the "Internet Anagram Server." It's the first listing. The full address is "http://www.wordsmith.org/anagram/," which is not so easy to read over the phone. ("Inca Pot" is an anagram for "Pontiac")

And while we're on the subject of TV ads, there's one for Wachovia bank, with a testimonial from a customer who left his son's passport in his safety deposit box, and they needed it early the next morning to go abroad, so they called their friendly Wachovia banker who opens up the bank in the middle of the night!

First of all, no. Not gonna happen. Mr. Drysdale would take care of the cattle for Jed, he might even arrange for dates for Jethro, but even he wouldn't open the bank in the middle of the night. This cannot possibly be a true story.

And even if it is, I don't want to put my money in a bank that just opens up the vault any time of day, willy-nilly, pell-mell, helter-skelter! I'm going to start my own bank. Our slogan "Locked all night!"

I do love those DirecTV ads with the movie scenes though.

You can't spell "Consarn it!" without "nsa"

A few months ago we heard about the NSA listening to calls from the U.S. to other countries, and more recently, keeping track of who's calling who everywhere.

So what's wrong with that? Don't you want to be safe?

First of all, there's a reason "Land of the free" is followed by "Home of the brave."

Because freedom isn't for cowards. If you're so afraid that you're willing to give up your rights in exchange for the government's protection, move to China.

"Well, they're only listening to calls from terrorists!"

Here's the problem I have with that. If it's true, then I think we're going too easy on the terrorists. If we know which calls are from terrorists, we should be able to find the terrorist, and maybe instead of listening to their phone calls I think we should just kill them.

"Well, tracking who we call doesn't really deprive us of any freedom."

But isn't that the point of it? The government's justification for collecting the information is that it will lead to capturing terrorists. And "capturing them" is another way of saying "depriving them of their freedom." So it stands to reason that if collecting their phone records can lead to depriving terrorists of their freedom, it can also lead to depriving all of us of our freedom.

"Give me liberty, or give me death!"

I wouldn't sell you my snot!

Above is a picture of a sign posted in the window of a laundromat in my neighborhood. I guess they've got a problem with people coming in and just using the dryers. I don't understand why they would care. Even if they're not making washing machine money, they're still making dryer money. And if there isn't enough dryer capacity, buy more dryers!

And I hate when I see signs in front of restaurants that say "Restrooms for Customers only." I mean really, if someone needs a restroom badly enough, what kind of people would refuse them. What does toilet paper cost, a dollar a roll? And really, who are you really trying to keep out. And mostly, when I'm trying to decide on a place to eat, I'm more likely to choose someplace with as little toilet-related signage as possible. The less that I'm put in the mind of poo before eating, the better.

Best Show on TV - part 73

"Get this douchebag out of my hotel."

Do not go gently into this good night.

There are two good ways to get old once you've been famous. One is the Cary Grant/Johnny Carson method; be super-cool for a while, then vanish; don't be in the news again until you're dead. The other is to be William Shatner.



My best tech support call this week was to help someone see this video on his computer.

We're Number Two!

There's been a lot of talk lately about how Barry Bonds is about to pass Babe Ruth's old record of 714 home runs. Which would put him in second place in the all time home run list. Second place. Now, Babe Ruth was a great baseball hero, and the controversy surrounding Mr. Bonds is very compelling. But really. Since when do we in the sports world care about second place? Go big or go home. Second place? Second place, last place, guys who hit no home runs at all, in sports there's the number one guy and everybody else. Wake me up when roidy-man gets up near 755.

Candy News

Yesterday I had a Payday Chocolatey Avalanche. It's a chocolate-covered Payday bar. Imagine a Baby Ruth bar, only, well, imagine a Baby Ruth bar...

Soda News

A while ago I posted about the new Dr. Pepper Berries and Cream flavor. I noticed at the time but did not mention that the logotype for the new flavor was different. They have now started using the new logotype on regular Diet Dr. Pepper...




So delicious I already drank it.

And here's some old stuff:

Is taking pictures on the subway allowed?

How do you tell the two Carloses apart?


...I know a dude named Carlos...

Again with the Hackman!

According to an interview in TV Guide, Kyle MacLachlan filmed a TV pilot based on "The Conversation." Which was, of course, a Gene Hackman movie. It didn't sound like we'll ever see it though...

Veronica Mars

Watched the season finale tonight. First time in 3 weeks it was not pre-empted by basketball. (Basketball playoffs managed to make me have to stay late at work last night though...). Anyway, apparently "Veronica Mars" is "Sram Acinorev" spelled backwards.

"C.W."
"It's a done deal."

A totally unrelated note:
Birds apparently have many household cleaning uses.

Who are you?

What do Robert Redford (The Sundance Kid), George C. Scott (Patton), Paul leMat (Dude from American Graphitti), Christopher Lambert (The Highlander), and Martin Lawrence (One of the "Bad Boys") have in common?

There is a series of books by the noted crime author Donald Westlake, featuring a thief named John Dortmunder. Some of them have been made into movies. Dortmunder, or the character based on Dortmunder, has been played by each of these guys.

So, the current score is five Dortmunders, seven or so James Bonds, at least five Supermans (Supermen?), five Bats, a couple of Obi-wans, 3 or 4 guys playing Darth Vader at once, 48 Sherlock Holmeses and 734 Draculas.

Go Ahead, Remake My Day.

I've noted before that nobody likes remakes, especially Gene Hackman who's got to sit at home this summer watching that dude from "Stealth" ride the upside-down boat, and Kevin Spacey fight the Last Son of Krypton. Yes, he's sitting at home, he's got an excellent bootleg guy.

Maybe he'll call up Michael Caine, who over the last few years watched Sylvester Stallone "Get Carter," watched Marky Mark do "The Italian Job," and, like everyone else, did not watch Jude Law as "Alfie." And on Broadway, they're doing "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels."

Here's some other guys who would be stewing if they weren't dead. I guess they're turning in their graves:

Gregory Peck--The Omen, Cape Fear
Peter Sellers--The Ladykillers, Casino Royale, and Lolita (ordinarily, I would consider this a second movie made from a classic source, but allowing it let's me put Shelly Winters on the list. See below.)
Shelly Winters--Alfie (again), Lolita (again), and, of course, The Poseidon Adventure (again!)
Frank Sinatra--Ocean's Eleven, The Manchurian Candidate
Dean Jones (of course. Disney loves a remake)--That Darn Cat, well, crap, pretty much every Disney movie he made in the 60s. (oh, and he's not dead)

And the winner is:
A Tie!
Steve McQueen--The Thomas Crown Affair, The Getaway, The Blob, and either extra points for the Magnificent Seven, since it keeps getting remade, my favorite is "Battle Beyond The Stars," but maybe it loses points for being, itself, a remake.

Spencer Tracy--Father of the Bride, possible points for Father of the Bride 2, depending on whether it's merely a sequel to the remake, or a remake of the sequel to the original (Father's Little Dividend); Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, bonus aggravation points because the remake has Ashton Kutcher in it; A Guy Named Joe, remade as Steven Speilberg's "Always"; 12 Angry Men, minus a couple since it was remade for TV...

And before I go, I am saddened to have to say something bad about someone who's been one of my favorite movie actors, not to mention I owned all of his comedy albums, but, damn:
Cheaper By The Dozen, Cheaper By The Dozen 2, Father Of The Bride, Father Of The Bride 2, The Pink Panther, Little Shop Of Horrors, he did a TV show remake movie, Sgt. Bilko, and even a Beatles album remake movie, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band. (Hey! Two Sergeants!)

Steve Martin, you've got some 'splaining to do!

That's what it's all about.

Please Proofread the Internet

The website for the radio station 1010 WINS, that I often read for the local news, has an article titled Handsome Cab Strikes Car in Manhattan. Although I'm sure it was a fine-looking vehicle, I think it was probably a Hansom Cab, a horse-drawn carriage named after its inventor Joseph Hansom.

And, while I'm at it, I'm pretty sure "e.g." means "for example" (exempli gratia) and "i.e." means "that is" (id est). Not that I've seen them used incorrectly recently...

Again, with the Las Vegas

"Las Vegas" continues to be, pound for pound, the most entertaining show on TV. It doesn't have the thinky smartness of "Lost", or the emotional core of "Veronica Mars," but I could watch it all day. On the most recent episode, "Woody" from "Crossing Jordan" shows up for a weekend in a cabin with Sam. Other shows have crossovers, that's all well and good, but what other shows have recurring characters from other shows? It's genius!

Gotham Girls Roller Derby!

Gotham Girls Roller Derby!




Went to see the roller derby tonight, in beautiful downtown Brooklyn. It was everything I had dreamed of and more. The Schwartz auditorium was SOLD OUT! The Manhattan Mayhem beat the Bronx Gridlock. I left the auditorium with that peppy feeling you used to only get from a Jerry Bruckheimer movie. The feeling that anything is possible. Woo Hoo!

Everybody should go see the roller derby!

There's no dancing, and no bug.

This week's Tom the Dancing Bug featuring "Dinkle the Unlovable Loser. I like jokes about kidneys.

Simon Conjurer Returns

Well, most likely not. Here's the story:

I work late on Friday nights, (near Times Square, New York City!), and sometimes I like to see a movie after work. I was looking at the schedule for the AMC 24-plex and there was a movie I had never heard of before. I read the Internet every day, I read Entertainment Weekly, well, weekly, so it's rare that a movie shows up in the Plex that I've never heard of. Usually, the ones I've never heard of show up way downtown, and even those, again, well, I've usually heard of them.

Here's how you know they're not doing a great job publicizing a movie: When I Googled "The Legend of Simon Conjurer," a large number of the results were asking "Is this movie a hoax?"

OK then, take a minute, click on the link above, and watch the trailer. Except Steve, who I know doesn't have a high speed internet connection, you stupid bastard. Anyway, those of you who live in the 21st century have by now seen the trailer. And yes, that's the movie. As noted earlier, I don't really review movies here, but I'm making an exception since there seems to be a dearth. If you thought Jon Voight was too understated in "Anaconda" (and if you haven't seen "Anaconda", well, go, rent it, we'll wait), well, he certainly lets loose just a tiny bit here. He's the closest thing you'll see these days to a villain from the old "Batman" TV show. They even shoot him at a 45 degree angle. Anyway, that's a compliment. Really.

If you like straightforward linear narrative, then no, for God's sake stay away. This movie is, let's say, "atypical." It's certainly very earnest. It puts you in the mind of a Troma movie, but with less nudity and gore, and a slightly higher budget. I don't want to sell the movie short though, there is an excellent gratuitous shower scene.

There's a key scene with the body of a young girl, who looks too much like a young boy, which is confusing when they refer to her later. And no one seems quite sure how to pronounce "Conjurer," even writer/director/star Stuart Paul, who, in what I'm assuming is an odd promotional device, goes uncredited.

But wait! There's more!
So, despite, or maybe because of the "Let's put on a show!"/vanity-projectness of it, I'm actually enjoying, mostly, "The Legend of Simon Conjurer." And one of the other 3 people sitting in the theater seemed to be as well, laughing out loud, often, as I was. We're standing up to leave, and as the credits rolled he says "There I am!" He was, apparently, part of the supporting cast of the movie. He asked the two of us that were not his busty companion what we thought of the movie, and we ended up chatting a little as we wound our way down the dozen or so escalators to the street. His name is Marcus Shirock and he plays "Ammath" in the movie, a chain smoker who is afraid of dying. We talked about the movie, he apparently didn't completely understand it either. He also told me he had been up for the role of "Superman." I told him he should be glad he didn't get it considering what happened to George Reeves and Christopher Reeve (Both died untimely deaths, for those of you that probably didn't see Anaconda either).

So that's the story of "The Legend of Simon Conjurer." If you want to see a movie that is not necessarily coherent, but is not a sequel or remake or like anything else you're likely to see, at least download the trailer. Even if you have a lame-ass dial-up connection.

What Am I Looking At?

Here are four websites that I look at on a regular basis:

News From ME Mark Evanier is a TV and comic book writer who writes about TV and comic books, as well as politics, theater, Las Vegas and other odd but interesting subjects.

The New SteveSilver.net Steve Silver writes about sports, journalism and politics, and, occasionally, about our shared alma mater, Brandeis University. Typing this, I am wondering, what is the statute of limitations for using "The New?"

The Dilbert Blog It's Scott Adams, the guy who writes and draws "Dilbert." He's a crank. Go and figure.

Tomato Nation Sarah Bunting is one of the creators of Television Without Pity, another great website which I don't look at as often, but is good for after one of those episodes that make you say "HELL NO!" Anyway, Tomato nation is not so much a traditional blog. There's a variety of elements, including a new essay of some sort every week or so, but the great part of it is "The Vine," an advice column notable for allowing the letters to go on at considerable length about the readers' problems.

Note that all of the above are updated, more often than not, every day. I've said it before, it's a rule, if you expect people to read your crap, it's got to at least be fresh.

The Blue Nurse Action Figure

The Blue Nurse Action Figure

Who put the BAM in the BAM bi BAM di BAM?

I went to the BAM Cinemateque (a local movie house) today to see the movie "Brick." How is it? When I started writing this blog, I considered putting in movie reviews. As noted previously, posting every day is hard. But really, you could start now and continue until approximately the end of time and not finish every review even of this relatively obscure independent movie. Now, not every post here is a brilliant gem of originality, but dang. How is it? Today's neologism is "Google It".

So what, then, is my point? I've been to the BAM before, and almost didn't recognize the building when standing right in front of it. (See picture, Duh...). They just took down a bunch of scaffolding now, and it looks like there's brackets for new signage, but right now, nada. Across the top of the building it says "Brooklyn Academy of Music," but there's nothing on the outside, not a flyer taped up, or even one of those signs with the hours written in to indicate that there's a movie theater inside.

Maybe that's why there were only 3 people, including me, in the theater. (Well, that and it's 4 p.m. on a Wednesday showing of an obscure arty film that's been playing for a few weeks...)

If anyone connected to the BAM is reading this (hugely likely), borrow a Sharpie.

Where is Veronica?

UPN channel 9 in New York has pre-empted new episodes of "Veronica Mars" for the last 2 weeks for basketball playoffs. Now, no one loves basketball more than me, and the episodes are re-run on Sundays. Or, I guess, just run. But the show is listed as being on, and there's no notice given on their website. I guess since the UPN won't even exist, and channel 9 won't necessarily be carrying the "CW" or whatever they call the replacement network, and even if they do, "Veronica Mars" may not be back. (and losing the New York market won't help its ratings.). But damn, it makes me cross...

We're Coming to America!

The debate over immigration continues.

I have 3 questions. These aren't rhetorical questions, or Socratic questions intended to evoke a specific response. These are actual questions that I don't know the answers to, but whose answers I think are important to forming an appropriate opinion.

1. People talk about border guards and building a 3000 mile wall, but how difficult is it for immigrants to just take the bus to San Diego, tell the folks at the border booth that they're just visiting, and then stay? What percentage sneak in across the desert, as opposed to lying at the border booth? And why would they do that?

2. What would really happen if we just let in everyone who wanted? Not willy-nilly (or pel-mel for that matter), but if immigrants only had to fill out some forms, have a background check, and stay out of trouble and we let them straight in to start working? Why would this necessarily be a bad thing?

3. Why has this become such an issue right now? Was there a specific event that started the current large amount of news coverage, or did someone start advocating one way or another to bring it to the fore?

Imagine Watching TV for Free!

You can watch your favorite ABC TV shows for free on the internet. (Unless, of course, "Boston Legal" is your favorite ABC TV show. Or anything other than the 4 shows you can watch for free.)

But no. Really. Go to http://dynamic.abc.go.com/streamin

You can watch the most recent episode of "Lost." For free. Without getting sued or arrested.

Now if only they would do this for UPN, for "Veronica Mars." She's so sassy.

Everybody Loves Hockey!

Here's a picture of me and the Stanley Cup.